Marriage advice: Tips for couple’s first Christmas together
Posted by vlagnew in Holidays, Marriage and Family on December 11, 2011
Excerpt ofArticle By Terri Finch Hamilton | The Grand Rapids Press
Those “First Christmas Together” tree ornaments should come with a warning label: THIS MAY HAPPEN TO YOU:
Won’t it be fun, honey, to spend Christmas with my family?
Wait. YOUR family? I thought we were spending Christmas with MY family?
Um, well, your mom hates me.
Well, maybe if you get her something really nice she’ll …
Yeah, well … did you hear the part about how she hates me?
Navigating the holidays for the first time as newlyweds can be stickier than your sister-in-law’s fruitcake. — from haggling over where to spend the holidays to figuring out gift buying to dealing with that new family member you just don’t get.
So this is where we call on the experts…
Valencia Agnew is a psychologist and therapist who, after 22 years of marriage to Darron, has this holiday couple thing all figured out, but admits she had part of it easy.
“Because my husband likes to eat,” Agnew says, “the more family visits we can do, the better, he says. He collects dessert.”
Early on, she realized Darron’s family has more holiday stamina than she does.
“They can spend till the crack of dawn just sitting and talking,” she says. “But after a couple hours, the kids and I are done. So we drive separately. That way he can stay as long as he wants, and the rest of us can go to bed.
“I’ll go to bed on my own family, too,” she adds with a laugh. “I’ll say, ‘You guys stay up as long as you want, but I’m going to bed.’”
Agnew stayed awake long enough to share some tips on heading into the holidays as a couple, and Regester weighs in, too.
“Remember to negotiate — that’s huge,” says Agnew, who works at North Kent Guidance Services in Grand Rapids. “Maybe instead of choosing which family to celebrate with, you host, and invite both sides. Realize you might not make both families happy.”
“Respect both of your upbringings, rather than argue over whose is right,” Agnew says. “I often see couples who each want to follow the traditions of their own upbringing.” Take part of each and make it your own, she suggests. “One person’s needs should not be valued over the other’s,” she says.
“It’s not going to be as easy for newlyweds as it is for couples who’ve been married for 15 years,” Agnew says. “Interview other married couples who you see doing it successfully. Learn from the wisdom of those couples.”
“Stick together in your decisions,” Agnew says. “Don’t go to your mom and say, ‘Bob didn’t want us to come here — he wanted us to go to his parents’ house.’ That creates a distance. The in-laws start to view the spouse as the enemy.”
Make a spending plan, then figure see out how gift buying fits it, Agnew suggests.
“Does everybody get a gift? Is that important to you? Or maybe you only buy for parents and kids under age 18. Maybe you draw names.” …
“Take care of yourselves, as a couple”, Agnew says.
“The energy it takes to do the holidays can be exhausting,” she says. “It increases when your family grows, and suddenly you have to go to little Susie’s holiday concert and then to little Johnny’s.
“Do something just for yourselves, as a couple,” she says. “That’s great if you want to bake cookies for the lady next door, but that’s not for you. Go to a movie, or just sit home and prop your feet up. As the stress goes up, your self- care should go up, too.”
When your energy is depleted, you’re more likely to argue, she adds…
The full article by Terri Hamilton can be found on mlive.com.
Apologies and Forgiveness Part 3 of 3
Posted by vlagnew in Marriage and Family on November 12, 2011
The Five Languages of Apology
Relationship (romantic, friendship, family) can be repaired or destroyed by an apology, or should I say, the lack of an apology or a poor apology. Ever been there, where all you want is a decent apology? Then you know what I mean.
In continuation of Apologies and Forgiveness Parts 1 and 2, I want to briefly summarize The Five Languages of Apology in hopes of helping you maintain meaningful relationships. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas identified the five languages as: expressing regret, accept responsibility, make restitution, genuinely repent, and request forgiveness.
Sometimes an expression of regret is all that is needed. True regret is not minimizing, making excuses, or trying to escape blame. It is taking responsibility for how you have hurt another and acknowledging it. For example, “I am sorry.”
Accepting responsibility in which you admit a wrong is different than just an expression of regret. Admitting a wrong can be difficult for some people because they view it as a sign of weakness. It is inevitable; you are going to hurt someone at some time. Hurts come, but so can healing with a meaningful apology. Admitting a
wrong can go a long way for the person who needs to hear you say, “I am sorry. I was wrong…”
If my son broke the neighbor’s window, I would not only expect him to express regret, I would expect him to accept responsibility by admitting his wrong, and then he would be expected to make restitution. Making restitution can take on different forms, it may mean paying for the damage, it could be doing some lawn work, or any number of things. In relationships, Chapman and Thomas recommend doing something that shows you love the person you hurt. What better way to show you love the person, than using that person’s love language (Words of affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) to make restitution. When restitution is needed, “I am sorry” or “I was wrong” will not be enough.
There are times when genuine repentance is needed for the other individual to feel your apology is genuine. Repentance is not crying a lot and saying, “I’m sorry.” Repentance means to turn away from something and changing. Demonstrating repentance will mean having a plan for change that the injured individual is aware of. A failure to plan is a plan to fail.
In other relationships, a request for forgiveness is needed. The injured person feels the apology is genuine when you can ask for forgiveness. That request shows you recognize your wrong and you are willing to be vulnerable by asking for orgiveness. Simply asking, “Will you forgive me” goes a long way in healing a hurt. It is important to note asking is not the same as demanding.
People are different and situations of injury are different. When you are genuinely sorry, apologize in a way that is meaningful for the injured party.
Apologies and Forgiveness – Part 2 of 3
Posted by vlagnew in Marriage and Family, Self-Improvement on November 1, 2011
So you have apologized, but it was not accepted by the individual. Now what you ask? Well, you have a few options. One, you can walk away and think, “I did my part and I do not need to do anymore. Clearly he/she (the injured person) has got issues. I am not going to stand here and beg.” Two, you can leave feeling like a failure and hurt. Three, you can take an attack approach by becoming angry and taking your apology back. Or, you can realize that maybe your first reaction, if remotely similar to the three options mentioned, are not effective and will do nothing to repair the relationship. All is not lost just because your apology was not accepted.
Take a moment to evaluate your apology. Have you acknowledged responsibility for your role in causing injury?
Example 1 (without responsibility):
“I am so sorry you waited up for me worrying. Gosh, I did not know you would be so scared waiting.”
Example 2 (acknowledging responsibility):
“I am so sorry you waited up for me worrying. Gosh, I did not know you would be so scared waiting. I should have called you to say I would be late. I am sorry I did not do that and as a result you were worried. In the future, I will call because I do respect you and I do care about hurting you.”
Or in your self evaluation, do you realize you just want to get the apology done and over with? Could it be that the truth of the matter is you really are not sorry for your actions? My daughter likes to laugh and say, “Hummm, is it better to beg for forgiveness rather than trying to get permission.” I think that only works in cases where there will be no injury to another person. For example, if it is my last french fry, then she can forget asking permission because there is no way I am going to let her have it. The funny thing is that I would forgive her for eating it without permission; well, after much harassing. In more serious matters, being dishonest expressing sorrow when you are not sorry really only adds insult to injury.
There are other things to consider if you believe your apology was not accepted. Frequently I hear one spouse say that the other keeps talking about the issue after an apology. Consider leaving space for the injured person to process feelings; allow the individual a chance to talk while you listen or answer questions. Generally, healing does not take place in an instant. It only takes and instant to break a toe bumping into something. However, complete healing takes time. If you are genuine in your apology, allow the injured person space to process.
Also consider that just because the person does not choose to be best buddies with you anymore does not mean your apology has not been accepted. For example, you can apologize for sharing secrets I shared with you in confidence. I can accept your apology. However, that does not mean I am going to share more secrets with you. In other words, forgiveness does not equal fellowship.
For more on the topic of apologies and forgiveness read Peter Doherty, PhD and Patti-Anne Kay, MRE in Family Therapy; and Five Languages of Apologies by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.
Apologies and Forgiveness – Part 1 of 3
Posted by vlagnew in Marriage and Family on September 28, 2011
Apologies can be powerful in healing relationships and
bringing about reconciliation. However,
a poor apology can make a bad situation worse.
Giving an apology can provoke feelings of shame because of
having to admit to self a mistake was made.
It is easy to call it a “mistake” but sometimes, let’s just be real, it
was not a mistake, it was a “bad choice.”
Mistake or bad choice, doesn’t matter; either way it can be difficult to
take responsibility for causing an injury.
An apology means being vulnerable to the one who was hurt.
The injured person experiences a shift in power balance in
the relationship as a result of feeling put down, disregarded, or loss of
credibility. Furthermore, the person can
feel it easy for the injurer to simply disrupt a life and walk away without
consequence. This feeling of imbalance
can make it challenging for the wounded individual to forgive and can create a
desire to get revenge.
The good news is that people do apologize and apologies are
accepted with relationships restored to a position of balance and healing. So how is an effective apology accomplished?
- Talk about the issue before apologizing. Be clear about the purpose and intention of
the apology. Avoid a debate. Listen and understand the injured person’s
perspective and expectation. - Avoid the desire to rush in and explain your position
as the injurer. Ever been accused of
justifying or minimizing your actions?
If so, this might be why. Save your explanation for another day. When the injured person is hurt and angry, it
may be too tough to hear explanations. - When you apologize, pointing out the wrongs of
the other person is not effective. Sure,
there may be a reason for you actions that caused hurt. Maybe you were hurt by the person you are
apologizing to, and both of you need to apologize. However, pointing out faults or wrongs is not
part of an apology. - The purpose of “your” apology is to take responsibility
for “your” actions. You may want
forgiveness, and you may want the relationship restored, but there is no
guarantee. Apologize because your
behavior hurt someone. - Forcing someone to apologize does not equal recognition
of hurtful behaviors nor does it equal facing and taking responsibility. - Expecting forgiveness and acceptance of an
apology is simply reinjuring the injured person. Allow the individual to give forgiveness when
ready. Expecting forgiveness can leave
the individual feeling as if the issue is closed to never again be addressed
without their consent. - Please do offer to repair the damage
(restitution/compensation). Let the
injured person decide what will help them restore the power balance. The
offender does not get to decide what the injured person needs or does not need.
It is not a weak person who apologizes; it is someone with
strength who will stand up in the midst of pride or fear and willingly be
vulnerable with the one who was hurt.
For more
on the topic of apologies and forgiveness read Peter Doherty, PhD and Patti-Anne
Kay, MRE in Family Therapy; and Five Languages of Apologies by Gary Chapman and
Jennifer Thomas.
SEVEN
Posted by vlagnew in Novel, Uncategorized on July 20, 2011
Seven Virtual Book Tour September & October 2011
When seven
strangers are thrown together to be pawns in a psycho’s mind game, they realize
that they have to work together to reach their true potential or it could very
well mean their death.
Seven strangers. Seven stories. One chance to not only
save their lives, but to change them in ways they’d never even imagined
possible.
Seven is available for purchase at Schuler Books, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, at www.PaigeAgnew.com
Five Love Languages: What’s All the Hype?
Posted by vlagnew in Marriage and Family, Self-Improvement on July 18, 2011
If you have read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then you know why it is important to know how to show those you love that they are loved in a way that is meaningful to them.
For example, Suzie’s love language is Acts of Service. That means she feels most loved by things friends and family do for her. Suzie likes it when they give compliments, say thank you, or any Words of Affirmation. Gifts and hugs (Touch) are nice as is spending time doing things (Quality Time) too. However, it is things such as putting the dishes away, making a trip to the post office for her, putting gas in her car or washing it, tucking the covers on her side of the bed, or taking her laptop to be fixed that make her feel special and loved. If Suzie had to choose between someone cooking dinner for her or someone purchasing an item, she would much rather the Act of Service than the purchase of a gift (well unless that gift is a trip toHawaii). You get the idea, right?
Just as it is possible to show others love by using their love language, it is possible to hurt them by ignoring, forgetting, or not recognizing the language. You can use your language to show others you love them, but if you do not speak the same language, something gets lost in the translation. Face it, if you speak German and the person you love speaks Spanish, you are going to have to find a way to communicate in which you BOTH understand and feel loved. What am I saying? I am saying, Suzie’s husband can buy her Gifts, which are nice, but frankly, she would much rather have him call the repair man to save her time. Her children tell her what a great mom she is, but she would rather have them complete something she has asked them to do. The point, is know your language, know the language of those close to you. Then, show it.
The five love languages(Gary Chapman):
· Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
· Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
· Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
· Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
If you are not sure what your love language is or someone in particular, there are a few things to consider: (1) What does the person complain about not getting enough of? (2) What does the person tend to do for others to show love? (3) What are the results of the love language quiz?
If you give love and it is not felt, have you really given it? Is the problem in the giving or receiving? Something to think about.
Boundary or Wall?
Posted by vlagnew in Boundaries, Self-Improvement on June 23, 2011
Sometimes people get so tired of being hurt, taken advantage of, abused, misused, mistreated, you name it, that they are forced to do something different. However, that something different is just the other side of the same leaf. In other words, it is finding a new way to do the same thing.
If you are tired of being a door mat, walked all over, feeling resentment and false guilt, then perhaps evaluating your boundaries might be a good start. Being sick of people and avoiding them at all cost is not the answer. That is really only self imprisonment.
Is it a boundary you have set or a wall you have built? Do you feel protected or imprisoned?
Boundaries are flexible, they keep the good in and the bad out. Walls are not easy to move. Sure they keep the bad out. But you want to know what? Walls keep you in your own private prison with your fears, hurts, and painful memories. Sure you do not have to trust anyone, but the wounds never heal.
Maybe you are not imprisoned, but you simply do not have healthy boundaries.
Can you imagine building a fence around your garden to protect it from furry little creatures only to realize it is as though you put out a welcome mat for Thumper and all of his friends? That would be a pretty weak boundary. Intentions were good, but the boundary was full of holes. A weak boundary puts your garden in danger; a weak boundary puts you in danger. A healthy boundary allows you to enjoy your garden and maybe even enjoy the bunnies. What I am saying is that healthy boundaries allows you set a limits. You can set clear limits as to what is and is not you and what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Furthermore, clear limits allow you to distinguish between what is and is not your responsibility as well as what you do and do not have control over. Like the bunnies, you cannot control who and what may try to disrespect your limits, but you can control being a welcome mat for others. In addition, some people are best enjoyed from a distance… (I like bunnies, but I do not want to plant gardens for them).
Boundaries are relational, physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Boundaries help you to determine when to say yes or no. Boundaries are an expression of your self; they are an expression of how you honor yourself.
Are you setting boundaries or building walls?
Fathers Parenting After Divorce
What contributes to the decline in relationship between fathers and their children after divorce?
Factors that Influence the RelationshipsBetween Divorced Fathers and Their Children· · ·
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How can one be expected to easily go from daily contact to limited or no contact? Fathers who lived with their children and participated in their lives prior to divorce become confused after divorce about their roles as fathers. After all, they are suddenly presented with visitation or parenting schedules.
When parents have complicated legal issues, it is the children’s relationship with the father that suffers. When fathers feel they have been wronged by the legal system in regards to parenting time, they can become less involved in their children’s lives. At times the courts’ decisions create more parental discord which, ultimately, impacts the parent-child relationship. Less involvement in children’s lives does not generally equally better, stronger, or healthier relationships.
Mothers have often been viewed as the strongest influence in promoting the relationship between father and child. When there is conflict between the parents, fathers feel they get the short end of the deal and are punished by having access to their children denied or limited. Fathers have even reported they are victims of parental alienation.
Simply by default, less time with children can mean less involvement in their daily on goings. The less fathers know about their children, the more difficult it is to connect and maintain a connection.
In an effort to promote a good father-child relationship, it is imperative for parents to co-parent and develop healthy parenting communication when possible. It is also important for fathers to set precedence by committing to spending time with their children and maintaining a connection by being a part of activities, academics, sports, medical, and other things related to their children. Fathers can engage in counseling to address their own emotions about the divorce and parental role confusion. In addition, fathers can use counseling to learn ways to nurture and connect with their children though not physically present. Perhaps classes that focus on defining parental roles after divorce might be an effective way of supporting and educating both parents.
What Is Going On Inside That Head of Yours?
Posted by vlagnew in Adolescence, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Parenting on December 22, 2010
Are you one of the many parents who have asked your teenager this question? If you didn’t ask, then you probably wondered. Maybe you are convinced your teen is crazy and out to drive you crazy too? Well, guess what? That is probably what your teen believes. Only you, the parent, are the crazy one.
Recently I read an article in the Grand Rapids Press Parade about this very thing. The article reminded me why I like using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) with teens. In DBT adapted for adolescents, Miller, Rathus, Linehan point out that it is important for parents to know the difference between normalizing problematic behaviors and pathologizing normal behaviors.
How on earth can parents, or anyone for that matter, tell what is normal and abnormal with teens? Let me tell you, this is not always such an easy task because a “normal” teen can appear to have every diagnosis in the book. Why is that? No, it is no because they “really” are out to get us. It is because of normal developmental stages.
The article in the Parade reminds and informs parents that the area of the brain responsible for making the good choices you know your teen is capable of (i.e., organizing, making plans and developing strategies) is not quite developed. It may feel as if the notion of making plans and having priorities seems to have flown out the window with no hopes for return. Don’t panic. Breathe. There is hope… but not until somewhere well into their 20’s. By the time this area of the brain is completely developed, you will have paid a lot of money for college (which hopefully means good grades and no parties), and probably started turning prematurely gray.
What I am saying is, one, there really is a good reason for your teen making last minute arrangements to do things with friends and further believing your life completely centers around making those plans come to pass. I am saying, two, there is a scientific reason for your normally responsible teen to seem to have forgotten everything, or so it appears. They really do not forget everything— after all; they seem to remember the latest songs, details about friends, and anything else they want to remember. It is simply a part of the brain development use-it-or-lose it process. If that is not enough, I am saying, three, your smart teen can seem like a space cadet (affectionately said). Did I mention that your teen can be 19 years old and suffer from this space cadet syndrome? You know this when your teen calls you while you are away in Dallas to ask you what time the bank closes in Michigan. Just breathe and remind yourself, the brain is still developing.
While you are breathing, there are still more things going on, or not going on, in your little darling’s brain. I will try to shorten this up and just ask, has getting your teen up in the morning been an issue? Blame it on the brain. Have you gotten fed up with your teen misinterpreting things or overreacting, to what feels like, everything? Blame it on the brain. In a study identified in Parade, teens use a different part of the brain to registered emotions. It should come as no shock to find out 50% of the teens indicated the emotion of a woman in a photo different than what 100% of the adults identified as “fear.” Not only that, the study found that, to register the emotions, adults use the part of their brain that “governs reason and forethought” while the teens used the part of the brain that “processes memory and emotions.”
So the next time you wonder what is going on in your teens head, remind yourself you are not crazy and neither is your teen. Simply blame it on the brain! But, in all seriousness, as I previously mentioned, it is important not to normalize problematic behaviors and pathologize normal behaviors. It can be tricky trying to figure out what is normal and what is a serious issue. Seek out a professional in child development/child psychology. And please do continue to educate your teen. They do not know it all and neither do their friends. Yes, it is also appropriate to be consistent, empathetic, teach problem solving skills, enforce rules, and provide an abundance of love and support. And finally, you can blame it on the brain, but that is only to help you remain sane; it should not become an excuse for making mistakes without experiencing consequences or learning from them.
Grief, Loss, and Hope
Posted by vlagnew in Grief and Loss on July 23, 2010
The 5 Stages of Grief from the popular TV series Monk is humorous, but actually experiencing grief and loss is not a laughing matter.
The stages, though not really stages as though you hop from one to the next, of grief and loss are more like a rollercoaster of emotions.
“The first couple of days the pain was unbearable. I’ve never felt so depressed and useless in all of my life. And I was selfish really. I wasn’t thinking about you were gone, I was thinking about myself. I was thinking, “What am I going to do without her? How am I supposed to go on living when she’s not?” The first couple of months were strange. I would hear your voice in my head most of the time. I guess I still felt that I need you in a way.” (Starless Sky, Paige Agnew)
7 STAGES OF GRIEF (adapted from Recovery-From-Grief, Back to Life Guidebook)
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
Numbed disbelief
2. PAIN & GUILT-
Suffering unbelievable pain and guilty feelings and remorse.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger and questioning “Why me?”
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
You finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. Others may incorrectly think you should be getting on with your life.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
Start to adjust to life without your dear one.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
You will start to work on practical problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without the one you love.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. You find a way forward.
Kahlen shares her story of grief and loss in Starless Sky. However, she doesn’t leave the audience in despair. She tells about hope and change that comes when the rollercoaster ride stops.
“Emma would have been proud of me. I didn’t need her anymore. I didn’t need her to help me actually live my life. I was finally doing a good job of that myself. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wasn’t afraid of the future and all of the consequences of the present. I was finally diving. I had nothing to be a fraid of. I knew what it was like to feel like I had lost everything and lived. Nothing would stop me from living anymore. Not even the sky was the limit. I couldn’t be satisfied with the sky now. I wanted something frrther than the clouds surrounded by the deep waves of blue. Further, further, further…I wanted stars.” (Starless Sky)
In the midst of grief it may be hard to believe you can ever experience hope or any semblance of happiness. With support and time, healing really does happen.
